Why am I alive?
by Anime-invasion321
Summary: A ghost made Mai discover something that makes her change the way she sees herself. Mai starts to ponder over why she works for SPR and even questions why she deserves to live in the first place.


**I do not own Ghost Hunt!**

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Mai's P.O.V.:

'Why am I alive right now? Is there a reason? If so, what is that reason?'

I need to get up and get ready to go to school, but I can't, I'm so tired….

'What am I doing? I'm going to be late… This is all because of that stupid case.'

Flashback:

It was just a regular case, or so we thought. It was almost as if the ghost knew everything about us, almost as if it could see our past and predict our future... Actually, that is exactly what it could do. It made us remember all the bad things, all the pain, guilt, and sorrow of our past. Most of all, it made me remember that my present happiness is only from the effect of Gene's death.

I had never realized it before, the reason for my happiness right now is SPR. The only reason I am working for SPR is because I met Naru in Japan. The only reason Naru was in Japan was because… Gene had died.

"_Haven't you realized it yet? You are actually grateful for his death aren't you?"_ the ghost had said.

_"_I don't know what you are talking about," I replied.

The ghost chuckled, "don't you realize that that boy's death is the reason you are working with these people right now."

My eyes had widened in realization, this ghost is talking about Gene. However what does it mean by grateful? I'm not grateful… am I?

"_My dear girl… Don't you see, if that boy hadn't died, you wouldn't even be here right now. You would be at home or in school, living out your boring and lonely life. That boy died, and you are happy now right? Therefore you are grateful for that boy's death...," the ghost told me._

"You're wrong." I said.

_"Am I really wrong? It seems that way, because if that boy hadn't died, you wouldn't have met his twin that you are so infatuated with right now. So am I really that wrong?"_ the ghost chuckled at the face I was making.

"_So, you do get it huh? Little one." _the ghost said.

Back to the present:

'The ghost is right, I'm awful, selfish, undeserving… Why? '

"Gene…. I'm so sorry."

"_You are actually grateful for his death aren't you?"_I memorized that line so perfectly, probably from the fact that I can't get it out of my mind.

After my conversation with the ghost, I couldn't concentrate. Later on in my dreams, Gene had told me not to believe in what the ghost said. However I couldn't forget and I chose to ignore Gene instead. I don't deserve to talk to Gene, hell, I'm the one blocking him from his brother, as I recall.

'Would it be different if I had died instead? Would it be different if Gene hadn't died and I took his place instead. Yes, it would be very different. I wasn't important to anyone so I would have been forgotten immediately. However Gene was loved by many. He was loved by his parents, his fans, and mostly by his brother… Noll.'

'If I had died instead, Gene would be in England right now, alive and happy. He would be with his family and he would be with Oliver.

If I had died taken Gene's place, maybe Naru would be happy. Maybe he wouldn't be sad anymore, maybe he would smile more often, real smiles. The smiles that are so rare right now, the beautiful ones that I have grown to love. Those smiles…

'Why am I alive again? I am stupid, unworthy, unattractive, and most of all I am useless. Useless to Naru, to SPR, to Gene.

If fate had meant for us to meet this way, then fate is cruel.

Gene hadn't deserved this, the idiot was supposed to go home safely to his family. We weren't supposed to meet, we weren't supposed to become friends, GENE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DIE!'

However, fate is cruel isn't it, reality is cruel, death is cruel. Maybe if I died now, I would wake up and realize that this was all a dream. I would wake up and have to go to school. I would wake up and there would be no SPR, no Naru, and no family. It would have all been a dream. Then maybe I'll be alone once again, the way it was supposed to be.

'That's wrong isn't it? This isn't a dream, this is reality, this is life…'

'I'm so tired…. I want to sleep and never wake up, but I must go or Gene will be mad at me. I don't feel like being yelled at.

I'm going to be late, but there is no point is there?...'

'Why was I born? I wonder….'

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This is my first time to write a story, and I would appreciate the reviews even if you don't like my story. Also, I apologize for my grammar errors. Also if you don't like my story, I apologize for that too!


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